So many thoughts have been running through my head in these last couple of days. I am feeling very overwhelmed, very angry, very blessed, very sad, very lonely, and very happy all at the same time!
I never thought you would be able to feel all these things at once, but I sure do.
It still doesn't seem real to me. I am 30 years old and I have breast cancer. I have breast cancer. I have breast cancer. Nope, still doesn't sound real. It's funny, I keep thinking I should be freaked out about the surgery, but I am not. I should be freaked out about all the pain that I am going to be in, but I'm not. I am mostly freaked out about people having to take care of me. That makes me nervous. I have always been one to take care of myself, and don't like AT ALL having to rely on anyone else, but this time, I am not going to have a choice. I just keep thinking . . . how am I going to wash my hair, how am I going to brush my teeth. All these things that you do on your own without any help from anyone, I am going to need help with. I HATE, and I repeat HATE being a burden on other people. I feel so guilty already. Why can't this be something that I have to stay in the hospital for a couple of days then be ok? Why do I have to have people take care of my. I am a 30 year old woman and HATE the fact that I am going to have to have someone help me with the littlest things. I know people tell me all of the time. It's ok, we want to help you. We are you family, we are your friends, this is what we do. But this is not something they should be doing, this is something I SHOULD BE DOING! I am the one that helps people. I am the one doing things for others! I love doing that. It is a passion of mine to help other people. To see things that people need, or want that others don't see, then do my best to make it happen. I am honestly trying not to tear up thinking about this. I am not one to cry a lot, but this is really bothering me.
1 comment:
I used to feel the same way. I even mowed my grass when I was 7mos pregnant and my Josh was deployed. Then one of my friends pointed something out to me. As good as you feel helping others, and I'm sure you've helped many many people, they're going to feel just as good helping you. They've been waiting to return the favor. Let them. I promise they're all happy to do it... and it's not an imposition for them, it's an opportunity to show you, with action, what you have done for them and what they think you deserve. It sounds like you're way more awesome than you realize ;)
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