leaving the cancer in and letting it eat me from the inside out would have been easier than this

Craziness in Jakarta

Things are heating up here on the island.
People are saying that it is all because of this one man who made this movie. I think this was just a excuse for these extremist groups. I am not saying I think the movie doesn't deserve to be hated by the muslim people here, I just think things are going too far. Why do people have to hate so much. Everyone believes different things. Some people believe in God. Some worship Alah. Some worship 100's of different beings.

I am so sad. Why is one person better than another because of what they believe in? Why is it then ok to add even more violence into the mix? Haven't humans learned anything from their past mistakes?

The events going on here are scary. There are protests being held at the US Embassy. People are angry, tempers are flaring and then we get scenes like this.

Please know that as of now, we are safe. The security at the embassy is wonderful and the Indonesian police force has really stepped up to help.

Also the security at the American Club (where we live) is very good.

I just hope this all ends soon and doesn't spread somewhere else. 

Are we really ever honest with ourselves?

I am just wondering, are any of you honest with yourself about who you are, what you are about, and how strong you are?

I like to think that I come off as a confident person, but I am really not. I like to think that I come across as a person with self confidence but I am not.

I didn't finish college and don't think I am smart enough to go back. I am anxious about going back to work because I don't feel like I am going to be good enough to do anything.

It is so hard living your life not feeling like you are good enough. I don't have a degree, I haven't worked in 10 years, I feel like I am out of the loop.

What do I think I am good at? Not much. I think I can take some good pictures sometimes, but I feel like I am too stupid to figure out all the in's and out's of my big fancy camera, and that is keeping me from taking even better pictures. I used to be good at English, but I can't even remember the proper way to write a paper. I can change diapers with the best of them. Acting, I am good at acting, I feel like I have been putting on a show my whole life.

I live my day to day in fear that people will realize what a joke I really am. How incompetent I am to be an important part of our society.

I am sick of hiding, of lying, of being fake. I don't feel like I am  good enough, smart enough, or competent enough.

What is there to do now? I don't know. I don't know how to find self confidence.  How do I change a life long perception of myself?

Just a little update . . .

So I have been back in Jakarta for just over a week now. It is good to be home!
I am doing really well. I am healing very nicely, and as long as I don't overdo it with the lifting, I am flying high!

My youngest, Aubrianna, turned 7 the day after I got back. We had a great party for her, complete with a DJ and awesome cake!
School also started on the 8th. The girls LOVE their new classes and Emma is SO happy to be at the same school with her sisters!

Jakarta is still Jakarta. We are in the dry season now, and it hasn't rained since I have been back. I must say, I am ready for some rain!

All of my paperwork is now in for me working at the Embassy. All I do now is wait. They have to go through the complete background check for all the clearances and everything else.

I think that is all we have for an update here!

Lizzy

On my way HOME!!!!!

I can not believe this month is already over. My surgery is done, my cancer is gone, and I am ready to get back into the swing of normal life!!! I don't think that will be to hard since we are having a birthday party for Aubrianna the day after I get back, then they start school 4 days later! It will be a busy time, but I am so looking forward to it.

I am also pretty stoked because I looked that the arrival time on my ticket wrong! I thought I got into Jakarta at 8:35pm but I actually get in at 8:35AM! Yahoo!!!!!!!!!

Please keep me in your thoughts for a safe and easy flight home!!!!!!

Just kidding . . . one more doc visit

So I have developed a lump under where my tubes were placed when I had my last surgery. I am pretty sure it is just scar tissue forming, or something with the internal stitches , but it was getting quite painful so I called the doc anyways. He agreed with me that he thought it was the same thing, but wanted me to come back in for a check once more before I leave the country, soooooo . .. .  Off I go to the doc again tomorrow. The good thing about all of this is that I will get to have lunch with my cousin Sarah, whom I love! I am going to miss here when I go back home, so I will take any reason to be able to spend some time with her!!!!
Then I am heading back to berkley to get a part of my tattoo fixed that I am not 100% happy about. Even though I went to the same place I always go ZEBRA TATTOO, the awesome guy who normally does my tattoos wasn't there. I went with another guy, he did a good job, but didnt quite get how I wanted the breast cancer ribbon to stand out. Oh well, my tattoo guy Phil is going to fix it tomorrow and I am so happy about that.


2 more full days until I am on my was home to see my babies and husband!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alone

You know, these last couple days of mine have been great. My spirit has been high, my body has felt good, my mind has been clear . . . and then there comes the moment where things just hit me for a second and I feel very alone.

On Friday, I had lunch with a friend of mine, and it was one of the best times I have had in a long time. She gets me, completely. I get her. She knows how far I have come in the last 15, 10, 5, even 1 year(s).  We spent 5 hours just talking. Talking about life, catching up on each other, and just being together. It really put my spirits high. She gets me, and that is wonderful.

Now, in this moment, I am feeling alone. Very very alone. I feel like I am in limbo. Well, I am in limbo. Everyone here has their own life, and that life moves along weather I am there or not. My family has their life at home. I get to skype with them a few minutes here and there in between them running from one fun thing to do to another. I don't have a car, and have to rely on other people if I need to go somewhere. That is very stifling for such an independent person as myself.  I am missing my family and my life back home. I love love love getting to see people here and spend time with my nieces, but I just want to be home. Damn it, I want my life back. This cancer has taken away so much already. Yes, I know, I still have my life, and yes I am VERY grateful for that but that doesn't make the feeling of emptiness any easier to deal with. I have had to deal with getting diagnosed with breast cancer, making the decision to have the double mastectomy, going through with that surgery, then 3 months later having implants in . . .  without my husband. I didn't have his shoulder to cry on when I just needed to let things out. I didn't have his hands to help me get dressed when I could barely lift my arms an inch. I did it, and I did it well. Not to say that my mom and brothers and sisters in law were not a big help, they were, but nothing can replace your spouse.
I am so sick of feeling that way. I am so freakin' sick of dealing with these HUGE things that happen in my life while he is not there physically. It makes a difference to just be able to fall into their arms and cry. To scream and yell without judgement or strain, to let it be known that THIS SUCKS! THIS REALLY SUCKS and know that the person who completes you is there to help pick up the pieces and put them back together.

I am ok with having these times. I can not be strong all of the time, but I also know that I will feel better. I am stronger. Tomorrow I will wake up and just accept what I have been dealt and deal with it.  I will lift my head up high, stand up straight, and face the day, but right now, right now I just want to curl up into a ball and let the pain, and the sadness, and the grief take over.