Then & Now . . .

It is amazing how much people change and grow throughout their lives!
I just keep thinking about how different my outlook on life was 12 years ago.  I had a hard time growing up in the house that I did. I was adopted, the youngest, and the only girl. I never really felt like I fit in . . .  I know that is the way a lot of adopted children feel.
I had a very strained relationship with my mom growing up. We really just didn't understand each other.  . .  at all! My brothers were , well, just brothers, older brothers . . .
The strain between all of us just grew, until I was almost 18 years old, and I gave up. I moved out and told myself I would never go back.

Flash forward to today. I am missing my family. I am missing my mom. Missing the strange banter between my brother Greg and I.
We had a rough begining. We really did, but I feel so much now like it was all worth it.  I appreciate them, and I really feel like they appreciate me for who I am. I feel accepted. I feel like a part of the family and it feels good.

Dealing with more than I thought

My little Aubrianna has been dealing with a lot in that little head of hers. For about the last 2 weeks, she has been bursting into tears randomly saying that she wishes I didn't have cancer. I was taking a bath a couple of days ago, she came in to tell me something and froze. I looked at her and asked what was wrong and she just started crying. She said she didn't like to see my scars, they scared her and made her nervous. They made her think about mommy being in pain and she doesn't ever want her mommy to be in pain. She has been writing things off and on, and last night sand me a couple of songs. This video was taken after she had sung one song and burst into tears halfway through.

I wish that what I was having to deal with didn't affect my children at all . . . but I am glad they feel like they can express their feelings about it!

BLESSINGS

OK . . . So this is what I am looking for . . .

I would like you to leave a comment on this post about something that you don't really think of as a blessing on a day to day basis, but you would be at a loss if you didn't have it.

Mine: I didn't realize how lucky I was that I could just pick up my youngest little girl and hold her. I missed that sooooooo much, and really didn't think a lot about it until I couldn't do it anymore.

What about you?!?!?!?!
I can't wait to hear the responses!!! <3

Not really sure

what is going on with me today. I am feeling very off and very out of it :( I haven't been sleeping well at all, even when I take something to help me sleep.  I am feeling very sad. I don't really know why. I am fustrated and just need to pull out of this!

BEST MOTHERS DAY , EVER!!!

I have to say, I had a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL mothers day!!!!!

I wasn't even suppose to be home! But I was, and I am so glad I was!!!  The day started out with me being brought a before breakfast snack of pineapple and cheddar cheese, flowers, and some super sweet notes from the girls :) Then they did a song and dance for me that they made up . . .  it was awesome!!!!

They took me to breakfast at the club, we swam, they took me out to lunch, we shopped at the Mother's Day bazaar that was here at the club, went swimming more and had dinner.
There is one thing that made the day more special than anything else.
I have missed, for so long, picking up Aubrianna and holding her. She is just so little and cuddly. I was away for 2 months and have not been able to pick her up since I have been back :( Yesterday, however, I did. Well sort of . . .

I wanted nothing more just to hold her in my arms. I couldn't wait any longer. I told her I couldn't pick her up off of the floor but asked her to stand up on the bed. I have gotten enough strength and UMPH to have been able to pick her up off of the bed and hold her in my arms. I can not express how amazing it felt!!!!! I had missed it so much! That was the best mothers day gift I could have ever received!!!!!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OF YOU! Pick up your kids if you can and hold them!

It will always be a part of me . . .

but it will NOT CONTROL ME!

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't have cancer anymore (as far as I know) but I get so worried that it is going to come back. Every time I don't feel good, or have a pain, my first thought is "oh crap".
I don't think that feeling is ever going to go away, but I know I have to find some way to control it because if I don't I am going to make myself go insane!

I get angry, because I still don't feel completely like myself. I am so used to doing things on my own, and now, I have to ask for help to lift heavy things. I can't just reach down and pick up one of my girls. I can't do all of the yoga moves that I want to because my arm still can't stretch in some directions.
I thought all of this was going to get easier as time went on :( I just want my strength back. I want my MIGHTY MOUSE-NESS back!!!!!!!!

Getting back to that learning!

For the last 8 months or so, I have put my photography school on hold. With the packing, moving, not getting our stuff for 2 months and the whole health drama, it has been on the back burner. Well . . . I am glad to say that it is getting started again!!!! I have emailed with my professors and gotten everything back on track!
I am excited for this and super excited about the pictures that I will be able to take here!

Woohoo!!!!! Let the homework and studying begin!