Are we really ever honest with ourselves?

I am just wondering, are any of you honest with yourself about who you are, what you are about, and how strong you are?

I like to think that I come off as a confident person, but I am really not. I like to think that I come across as a person with self confidence but I am not.

I didn't finish college and don't think I am smart enough to go back. I am anxious about going back to work because I don't feel like I am going to be good enough to do anything.

It is so hard living your life not feeling like you are good enough. I don't have a degree, I haven't worked in 10 years, I feel like I am out of the loop.

What do I think I am good at? Not much. I think I can take some good pictures sometimes, but I feel like I am too stupid to figure out all the in's and out's of my big fancy camera, and that is keeping me from taking even better pictures. I used to be good at English, but I can't even remember the proper way to write a paper. I can change diapers with the best of them. Acting, I am good at acting, I feel like I have been putting on a show my whole life.

I live my day to day in fear that people will realize what a joke I really am. How incompetent I am to be an important part of our society.

I am sick of hiding, of lying, of being fake. I don't feel like I am  good enough, smart enough, or competent enough.

What is there to do now? I don't know. I don't know how to find self confidence.  How do I change a life long perception of myself?

Just a little update . . .

So I have been back in Jakarta for just over a week now. It is good to be home!
I am doing really well. I am healing very nicely, and as long as I don't overdo it with the lifting, I am flying high!

My youngest, Aubrianna, turned 7 the day after I got back. We had a great party for her, complete with a DJ and awesome cake!
School also started on the 8th. The girls LOVE their new classes and Emma is SO happy to be at the same school with her sisters!

Jakarta is still Jakarta. We are in the dry season now, and it hasn't rained since I have been back. I must say, I am ready for some rain!

All of my paperwork is now in for me working at the Embassy. All I do now is wait. They have to go through the complete background check for all the clearances and everything else.

I think that is all we have for an update here!

Lizzy

On my way HOME!!!!!

I can not believe this month is already over. My surgery is done, my cancer is gone, and I am ready to get back into the swing of normal life!!! I don't think that will be to hard since we are having a birthday party for Aubrianna the day after I get back, then they start school 4 days later! It will be a busy time, but I am so looking forward to it.

I am also pretty stoked because I looked that the arrival time on my ticket wrong! I thought I got into Jakarta at 8:35pm but I actually get in at 8:35AM! Yahoo!!!!!!!!!

Please keep me in your thoughts for a safe and easy flight home!!!!!!

Just kidding . . . one more doc visit

So I have developed a lump under where my tubes were placed when I had my last surgery. I am pretty sure it is just scar tissue forming, or something with the internal stitches , but it was getting quite painful so I called the doc anyways. He agreed with me that he thought it was the same thing, but wanted me to come back in for a check once more before I leave the country, soooooo . .. .  Off I go to the doc again tomorrow. The good thing about all of this is that I will get to have lunch with my cousin Sarah, whom I love! I am going to miss here when I go back home, so I will take any reason to be able to spend some time with her!!!!
Then I am heading back to berkley to get a part of my tattoo fixed that I am not 100% happy about. Even though I went to the same place I always go ZEBRA TATTOO, the awesome guy who normally does my tattoos wasn't there. I went with another guy, he did a good job, but didnt quite get how I wanted the breast cancer ribbon to stand out. Oh well, my tattoo guy Phil is going to fix it tomorrow and I am so happy about that.


2 more full days until I am on my was home to see my babies and husband!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alone

You know, these last couple days of mine have been great. My spirit has been high, my body has felt good, my mind has been clear . . . and then there comes the moment where things just hit me for a second and I feel very alone.

On Friday, I had lunch with a friend of mine, and it was one of the best times I have had in a long time. She gets me, completely. I get her. She knows how far I have come in the last 15, 10, 5, even 1 year(s).  We spent 5 hours just talking. Talking about life, catching up on each other, and just being together. It really put my spirits high. She gets me, and that is wonderful.

Now, in this moment, I am feeling alone. Very very alone. I feel like I am in limbo. Well, I am in limbo. Everyone here has their own life, and that life moves along weather I am there or not. My family has their life at home. I get to skype with them a few minutes here and there in between them running from one fun thing to do to another. I don't have a car, and have to rely on other people if I need to go somewhere. That is very stifling for such an independent person as myself.  I am missing my family and my life back home. I love love love getting to see people here and spend time with my nieces, but I just want to be home. Damn it, I want my life back. This cancer has taken away so much already. Yes, I know, I still have my life, and yes I am VERY grateful for that but that doesn't make the feeling of emptiness any easier to deal with. I have had to deal with getting diagnosed with breast cancer, making the decision to have the double mastectomy, going through with that surgery, then 3 months later having implants in . . .  without my husband. I didn't have his shoulder to cry on when I just needed to let things out. I didn't have his hands to help me get dressed when I could barely lift my arms an inch. I did it, and I did it well. Not to say that my mom and brothers and sisters in law were not a big help, they were, but nothing can replace your spouse.
I am so sick of feeling that way. I am so freakin' sick of dealing with these HUGE things that happen in my life while he is not there physically. It makes a difference to just be able to fall into their arms and cry. To scream and yell without judgement or strain, to let it be known that THIS SUCKS! THIS REALLY SUCKS and know that the person who completes you is there to help pick up the pieces and put them back together.

I am ok with having these times. I can not be strong all of the time, but I also know that I will feel better. I am stronger. Tomorrow I will wake up and just accept what I have been dealt and deal with it.  I will lift my head up high, stand up straight, and face the day, but right now, right now I just want to curl up into a ball and let the pain, and the sadness, and the grief take over.

Remembering what is really important.

Lately, my positivity has jut not been where it is normally. I have not been doing yoga in the morning to start my day (which I have rationalized in my own mind that it is because of the surgery, even though I can do plenty of yoga without hurting myself). I have been very tired throughout the day, and just feeling very BLAH.
I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I miss my best friend. He is all the way on the other side of the world. I miss him making me laugh. I miss him hugging me. I miss my babies . . .  I miss everything about them! (well almost everything) ;)

I found this today, and it made so much sense to me. I always feel so much better when I start the day like this. I know I haven't been and I also know that is a big part of my blah-ness.
I sure hope you get something out of this as well . . .  everyone deserves to wake up and greet the day with thankfulness!

1. Greet the day. I love being able to get up, and greet a wonderful new day. I suggest creating a morning ritual that includes saying thanks for your blessings. I’m inspired by the Dalai Lama, who said, ” Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.’ “
2. Amazing start. I used to start my day by jumping out of bed, late as usual, and rushing to get myself and the kids ready, and rushing to drop them to school and come in to work late. I would walk into work, looking rumpled and barely awake, grumpy and behind everyone else. Not a great start to your day. Now, I have a renewing morning ritual, I’ve gotten so much done before 8 a.m., my kids are early and so am I, and by the time everyone else gets in to work, I’ve already gotten a head start. There is no better way to start off your day than to wake early, in my experience.
3. Quietude. No kids yelling, no babies crying, no soccer balls, no cars, no television noise. The early morning hours are so peaceful, so quiet. It’s my favorite time of day. I truly enjoy that time of peace, that time to myself, when I can think, when I can read, when I can breathe.

You know when you just have one of those "off" days?

Yeah, I know you know what I am talking about. That day where you wake up, and something is just not right in your head. You feel a little sad, but don't really have a reason to. You feel upset, but there hasn't been anything to upset you. You just feel sleepy and like you want to go back to bed  . . . I had a day like that today.

The closer and closer it gets to me going back home to my family, the harder and harder it is getting for me. I miss my husband and my girls so much! I feel so bad that I have to be away from them for so long, and feel completely pissed that because of this awful, the people that I love the most are suffering :(

My girls are so tough. It is amazing to watch them. They just roll with the punches! I mean, within the last 6 months we moved across the world, started a new school, new house, and had their mom diagnosed with breast cancer. They are such troopers! I miss them so much. It makes me proud to think that Joshua and I are raising our girls to be strong women, who will be able to handle challenges in life with grace!

I want to get back to my life, to my husband, and to my children. My heart is starting to ache too much.