Something very personal . . . .

I am sure women that are dealing with breast cancer think about this all of the time, but I am not sure how many actually talk about it.

I feel deformed. I feel like less of a woman because of the way my chest looks. I don't feel normal anymore. I am ok when I am dressed, but every time I get in the shower, or change my clothes, or look in the mirror, I am reminded of this horrible disease that invaded my body and took so much away from me.
How long does it take, I wonder, to feel "normal" again? Will I ever feel that way again? Will I ever feel sexy again? So much emotional stuff to think about. Nothing will ever be the same, ever. As a mother, you change in front of your girls with no problem . . . don't even think about it, but for me, I can't. My girls have asked me not to because it makes them cry, it reminds them of mommy being sick and in pain to see the scars. It BREAKS MY HEART to know that I make my children feel uncomfortable in any way, but I do.

It is just so much to wrap my head around. So very much.
Will time make these doubts of my own body go away, or will it always be with me?

If I am such a strong woman, then why in the world am I letting these thought get the best of me?

Will my children ever be able to accept that mommy looks different now? That I will never look the same?

Will I always make them nervous and uncomfortable?

Will I ever be able to fully accept myself and my "new" body?

Phase Two . . .

So, I have had a very interesting week. I flew from Jakarta to Japan, from Japan to Hong Kong, from there to Portland, Or ( where I got to have lunch with one of my amazing BFF's), then onto Oakland, CA. I got here on Tuesday! Sunday I had the extreme privilege of going to see some of my amazing friends in San Francisco at the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer! That was an amazing thing. I went there and didn't feel alone. I knew there were others that were there going through the same thing I have been going through, and much worse. Honestly, I forgot about my own pain, and started looking at all of these amazing women around me, thinking how lucky I was to be a part of something with all of these amazing women!

From there, I got to spend the rest of the day with my cousin, Sarah! We walked around Pier 39 for a while, then headed back to her house. It was so wonderful being able to spend time with her again. She really is one of my favorite people  . . . EVER!

Then today, I had my pre opp for my surgery. 

As I walked into that medical building again, I got extremely nervous! I was so glad I had Sarah there with me. I was shaking and my stomach was doing flip flops. Last time I was here, it was all so sudden, I didn't really have time to think, I just DID. This time around was different. 

Meeting with the Dr was great. We talked about size and shape of my new boobs, what to expect, and what to prepare myself for. I also decided on something else. 

When I was about to go into the operating room the last time, my surgeon came to me and said "Since you only have cancer on one side, we can preserve the other nipple if you would like" I was really caught off guard and just said, sure! Now, I am re-thinking that. I am a very symmetrical  person, and I really don't feel symmetrical right now. I talked to the doc today and decided to make myself look even. It seems like a big step in my head . . .  it is the last thing I feel like I have that still makes these fake things look somewhat real, and I am deciding to cut it off.  I really believe like this is the right choice for me. I think I will be more comfortable with myself.

Surgery is on wednesday morning at 7:30am. I am hoping to be able to go home the same day, but was told today there is a possibility that I might have to stay overnight. I hope that is not the case, but I will do whatever the Dr thinks is best. 

Anyways, off to bed for me. I have a lot of stuff running through my head, and need to let it rest! 

Until next time . . .

Then & Now . . .

It is amazing how much people change and grow throughout their lives!
I just keep thinking about how different my outlook on life was 12 years ago.  I had a hard time growing up in the house that I did. I was adopted, the youngest, and the only girl. I never really felt like I fit in . . .  I know that is the way a lot of adopted children feel.
I had a very strained relationship with my mom growing up. We really just didn't understand each other.  . .  at all! My brothers were , well, just brothers, older brothers . . .
The strain between all of us just grew, until I was almost 18 years old, and I gave up. I moved out and told myself I would never go back.

Flash forward to today. I am missing my family. I am missing my mom. Missing the strange banter between my brother Greg and I.
We had a rough begining. We really did, but I feel so much now like it was all worth it.  I appreciate them, and I really feel like they appreciate me for who I am. I feel accepted. I feel like a part of the family and it feels good.

Dealing with more than I thought

My little Aubrianna has been dealing with a lot in that little head of hers. For about the last 2 weeks, she has been bursting into tears randomly saying that she wishes I didn't have cancer. I was taking a bath a couple of days ago, she came in to tell me something and froze. I looked at her and asked what was wrong and she just started crying. She said she didn't like to see my scars, they scared her and made her nervous. They made her think about mommy being in pain and she doesn't ever want her mommy to be in pain. She has been writing things off and on, and last night sand me a couple of songs. This video was taken after she had sung one song and burst into tears halfway through.

I wish that what I was having to deal with didn't affect my children at all . . . but I am glad they feel like they can express their feelings about it!

BLESSINGS

OK . . . So this is what I am looking for . . .

I would like you to leave a comment on this post about something that you don't really think of as a blessing on a day to day basis, but you would be at a loss if you didn't have it.

Mine: I didn't realize how lucky I was that I could just pick up my youngest little girl and hold her. I missed that sooooooo much, and really didn't think a lot about it until I couldn't do it anymore.

What about you?!?!?!?!
I can't wait to hear the responses!!! <3

Not really sure

what is going on with me today. I am feeling very off and very out of it :( I haven't been sleeping well at all, even when I take something to help me sleep.  I am feeling very sad. I don't really know why. I am fustrated and just need to pull out of this!

BEST MOTHERS DAY , EVER!!!

I have to say, I had a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL mothers day!!!!!

I wasn't even suppose to be home! But I was, and I am so glad I was!!!  The day started out with me being brought a before breakfast snack of pineapple and cheddar cheese, flowers, and some super sweet notes from the girls :) Then they did a song and dance for me that they made up . . .  it was awesome!!!!

They took me to breakfast at the club, we swam, they took me out to lunch, we shopped at the Mother's Day bazaar that was here at the club, went swimming more and had dinner.
There is one thing that made the day more special than anything else.
I have missed, for so long, picking up Aubrianna and holding her. She is just so little and cuddly. I was away for 2 months and have not been able to pick her up since I have been back :( Yesterday, however, I did. Well sort of . . .

I wanted nothing more just to hold her in my arms. I couldn't wait any longer. I told her I couldn't pick her up off of the floor but asked her to stand up on the bed. I have gotten enough strength and UMPH to have been able to pick her up off of the bed and hold her in my arms. I can not express how amazing it felt!!!!! I had missed it so much! That was the best mothers day gift I could have ever received!!!!!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OF YOU! Pick up your kids if you can and hold them!