Alone

You know, these last couple days of mine have been great. My spirit has been high, my body has felt good, my mind has been clear . . . and then there comes the moment where things just hit me for a second and I feel very alone.

On Friday, I had lunch with a friend of mine, and it was one of the best times I have had in a long time. She gets me, completely. I get her. She knows how far I have come in the last 15, 10, 5, even 1 year(s).  We spent 5 hours just talking. Talking about life, catching up on each other, and just being together. It really put my spirits high. She gets me, and that is wonderful.

Now, in this moment, I am feeling alone. Very very alone. I feel like I am in limbo. Well, I am in limbo. Everyone here has their own life, and that life moves along weather I am there or not. My family has their life at home. I get to skype with them a few minutes here and there in between them running from one fun thing to do to another. I don't have a car, and have to rely on other people if I need to go somewhere. That is very stifling for such an independent person as myself.  I am missing my family and my life back home. I love love love getting to see people here and spend time with my nieces, but I just want to be home. Damn it, I want my life back. This cancer has taken away so much already. Yes, I know, I still have my life, and yes I am VERY grateful for that but that doesn't make the feeling of emptiness any easier to deal with. I have had to deal with getting diagnosed with breast cancer, making the decision to have the double mastectomy, going through with that surgery, then 3 months later having implants in . . .  without my husband. I didn't have his shoulder to cry on when I just needed to let things out. I didn't have his hands to help me get dressed when I could barely lift my arms an inch. I did it, and I did it well. Not to say that my mom and brothers and sisters in law were not a big help, they were, but nothing can replace your spouse.
I am so sick of feeling that way. I am so freakin' sick of dealing with these HUGE things that happen in my life while he is not there physically. It makes a difference to just be able to fall into their arms and cry. To scream and yell without judgement or strain, to let it be known that THIS SUCKS! THIS REALLY SUCKS and know that the person who completes you is there to help pick up the pieces and put them back together.

I am ok with having these times. I can not be strong all of the time, but I also know that I will feel better. I am stronger. Tomorrow I will wake up and just accept what I have been dealt and deal with it.  I will lift my head up high, stand up straight, and face the day, but right now, right now I just want to curl up into a ball and let the pain, and the sadness, and the grief take over.

Remembering what is really important.

Lately, my positivity has jut not been where it is normally. I have not been doing yoga in the morning to start my day (which I have rationalized in my own mind that it is because of the surgery, even though I can do plenty of yoga without hurting myself). I have been very tired throughout the day, and just feeling very BLAH.
I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I miss my best friend. He is all the way on the other side of the world. I miss him making me laugh. I miss him hugging me. I miss my babies . . .  I miss everything about them! (well almost everything) ;)

I found this today, and it made so much sense to me. I always feel so much better when I start the day like this. I know I haven't been and I also know that is a big part of my blah-ness.
I sure hope you get something out of this as well . . .  everyone deserves to wake up and greet the day with thankfulness!

1. Greet the day. I love being able to get up, and greet a wonderful new day. I suggest creating a morning ritual that includes saying thanks for your blessings. I’m inspired by the Dalai Lama, who said, ” Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.’ “
2. Amazing start. I used to start my day by jumping out of bed, late as usual, and rushing to get myself and the kids ready, and rushing to drop them to school and come in to work late. I would walk into work, looking rumpled and barely awake, grumpy and behind everyone else. Not a great start to your day. Now, I have a renewing morning ritual, I’ve gotten so much done before 8 a.m., my kids are early and so am I, and by the time everyone else gets in to work, I’ve already gotten a head start. There is no better way to start off your day than to wake early, in my experience.
3. Quietude. No kids yelling, no babies crying, no soccer balls, no cars, no television noise. The early morning hours are so peaceful, so quiet. It’s my favorite time of day. I truly enjoy that time of peace, that time to myself, when I can think, when I can read, when I can breathe.

You know when you just have one of those "off" days?

Yeah, I know you know what I am talking about. That day where you wake up, and something is just not right in your head. You feel a little sad, but don't really have a reason to. You feel upset, but there hasn't been anything to upset you. You just feel sleepy and like you want to go back to bed  . . . I had a day like that today.

The closer and closer it gets to me going back home to my family, the harder and harder it is getting for me. I miss my husband and my girls so much! I feel so bad that I have to be away from them for so long, and feel completely pissed that because of this awful, the people that I love the most are suffering :(

My girls are so tough. It is amazing to watch them. They just roll with the punches! I mean, within the last 6 months we moved across the world, started a new school, new house, and had their mom diagnosed with breast cancer. They are such troopers! I miss them so much. It makes me proud to think that Joshua and I are raising our girls to be strong women, who will be able to handle challenges in life with grace!

I want to get back to my life, to my husband, and to my children. My heart is starting to ache too much.

Something very personal . . . .

I am sure women that are dealing with breast cancer think about this all of the time, but I am not sure how many actually talk about it.

I feel deformed. I feel like less of a woman because of the way my chest looks. I don't feel normal anymore. I am ok when I am dressed, but every time I get in the shower, or change my clothes, or look in the mirror, I am reminded of this horrible disease that invaded my body and took so much away from me.
How long does it take, I wonder, to feel "normal" again? Will I ever feel that way again? Will I ever feel sexy again? So much emotional stuff to think about. Nothing will ever be the same, ever. As a mother, you change in front of your girls with no problem . . . don't even think about it, but for me, I can't. My girls have asked me not to because it makes them cry, it reminds them of mommy being sick and in pain to see the scars. It BREAKS MY HEART to know that I make my children feel uncomfortable in any way, but I do.

It is just so much to wrap my head around. So very much.
Will time make these doubts of my own body go away, or will it always be with me?

If I am such a strong woman, then why in the world am I letting these thought get the best of me?

Will my children ever be able to accept that mommy looks different now? That I will never look the same?

Will I always make them nervous and uncomfortable?

Will I ever be able to fully accept myself and my "new" body?

Phase Two . . .

So, I have had a very interesting week. I flew from Jakarta to Japan, from Japan to Hong Kong, from there to Portland, Or ( where I got to have lunch with one of my amazing BFF's), then onto Oakland, CA. I got here on Tuesday! Sunday I had the extreme privilege of going to see some of my amazing friends in San Francisco at the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer! That was an amazing thing. I went there and didn't feel alone. I knew there were others that were there going through the same thing I have been going through, and much worse. Honestly, I forgot about my own pain, and started looking at all of these amazing women around me, thinking how lucky I was to be a part of something with all of these amazing women!

From there, I got to spend the rest of the day with my cousin, Sarah! We walked around Pier 39 for a while, then headed back to her house. It was so wonderful being able to spend time with her again. She really is one of my favorite people  . . . EVER!

Then today, I had my pre opp for my surgery. 

As I walked into that medical building again, I got extremely nervous! I was so glad I had Sarah there with me. I was shaking and my stomach was doing flip flops. Last time I was here, it was all so sudden, I didn't really have time to think, I just DID. This time around was different. 

Meeting with the Dr was great. We talked about size and shape of my new boobs, what to expect, and what to prepare myself for. I also decided on something else. 

When I was about to go into the operating room the last time, my surgeon came to me and said "Since you only have cancer on one side, we can preserve the other nipple if you would like" I was really caught off guard and just said, sure! Now, I am re-thinking that. I am a very symmetrical  person, and I really don't feel symmetrical right now. I talked to the doc today and decided to make myself look even. It seems like a big step in my head . . .  it is the last thing I feel like I have that still makes these fake things look somewhat real, and I am deciding to cut it off.  I really believe like this is the right choice for me. I think I will be more comfortable with myself.

Surgery is on wednesday morning at 7:30am. I am hoping to be able to go home the same day, but was told today there is a possibility that I might have to stay overnight. I hope that is not the case, but I will do whatever the Dr thinks is best. 

Anyways, off to bed for me. I have a lot of stuff running through my head, and need to let it rest! 

Until next time . . .

Then & Now . . .

It is amazing how much people change and grow throughout their lives!
I just keep thinking about how different my outlook on life was 12 years ago.  I had a hard time growing up in the house that I did. I was adopted, the youngest, and the only girl. I never really felt like I fit in . . .  I know that is the way a lot of adopted children feel.
I had a very strained relationship with my mom growing up. We really just didn't understand each other.  . .  at all! My brothers were , well, just brothers, older brothers . . .
The strain between all of us just grew, until I was almost 18 years old, and I gave up. I moved out and told myself I would never go back.

Flash forward to today. I am missing my family. I am missing my mom. Missing the strange banter between my brother Greg and I.
We had a rough begining. We really did, but I feel so much now like it was all worth it.  I appreciate them, and I really feel like they appreciate me for who I am. I feel accepted. I feel like a part of the family and it feels good.

Dealing with more than I thought

My little Aubrianna has been dealing with a lot in that little head of hers. For about the last 2 weeks, she has been bursting into tears randomly saying that she wishes I didn't have cancer. I was taking a bath a couple of days ago, she came in to tell me something and froze. I looked at her and asked what was wrong and she just started crying. She said she didn't like to see my scars, they scared her and made her nervous. They made her think about mommy being in pain and she doesn't ever want her mommy to be in pain. She has been writing things off and on, and last night sand me a couple of songs. This video was taken after she had sung one song and burst into tears halfway through.

I wish that what I was having to deal with didn't affect my children at all . . . but I am glad they feel like they can express their feelings about it!