Thoughts on the plane . . .

So, life has gotten a little more interesting for my family.  

This possibility of cancer is looming over me while I fly from Jakarta, Indonesia to Oakland, Ca.  What are the tests going to be like? How long will it take to get all of the results back. Will it be the same as in the movies where the doctor takes you into their fancy office and sits behind the desk and they tell you the words that are going to change your life forever? Or will it be something completely different and they will know right away that it is nothing to worry about and I will be able to go home in a few days.

Joshua and I have talked about cancer throughout our marriage. Well, I have talked about it with him. I have said things like . . .  "it's only a matter of time, don't you think, with all the people in my family, it is going to happen to one of us cousins." I mean, some of my cousins and I have talked about that also . . .  wondering what we can do to try and brake this awful reign that all different types of cancer have held over our family.  I know we have a big family, but come on , 6 people is a lot.  

I have to say, I am thankful that it is me going through this. I would not want ANYONE else in my family to have to deal with something like this. They have all already been through enough.  

I don't even know if I have anything to worry about. This could be something that is just annoying and is not really going to harm me in any way. If that is the case, then I just have to think, "Hey, I got an extra trip out to see my family!"

That's another thing . . .  family . . . family is so screwed up, but that is what makes it interesting.  15 years ago, heck 10 years ago, I couldn't stand my family, and they couldn't stand me. We all did and said things that we were not proud of, but even still, I knew that if they needed anything, I would do anything I could to be there for them. It has taken a long time to bring me to a place where I feel like I am a part of the family. Not an outsider. I was an outsider for a long time. For the past 5 or so years, my family has grown. I believe we have grown together. I never in my life thought it would happen. There was just so much pain, hurt feelings, and broken hearts I didn't think any of them would ever mend, but they have.  The tortured relationship that I had with my mother is a shell of what it once was.  It is the same thing with my sister in law, Patricia. We have had a lot of up's and downs in the last 15 years, but  now, I talk to her pretty much every single day. Also with my brother Jeff and I. We hated each other growing up. I am not kidding.  Now I will just randomly call , or text to see how he is. We talk, have conversations, it is crazy! :)

 I am glad I have my family while I am dealing with all of this . Different times in your life can guide and mold you to deal with all things that are thrown your way.

Then there is this amazing guy I am blessed to call my husband. I always have such a hard time putting into words how I feel for him. Nothing ever seems to do it justice. I really honestly feel like he is my soul mate. He is my biggest cheerleader and has been there through some of the hardest times in my life with me. Anyone who knows him knows how sincere he is, how loving he is, and what an all around good guy he is. I could not have asked for anything better than what I got when I married Joshua. The day I married him, I thought  . . . there is no way I could ever love this man more than I do right now, but boy was I wrong!

While I sit on this plane, I figured I would try and get out some of the thoughts that are going through my head. Man, a lot has come out already! HA! I don't even know if any of this will make sense. I just feel like it is good to get out how you are feeling. I have spent my whole life holding in my feelings as much as I can . . . because I am strong and can take care of myself. Well, that is true, but I don't have to hold in my feelings to know that. I am blessed to have people who just  jumped right in as soon as they knew there was something going on. Taking care of things that I couldn't do because I am in transit. 

Just another thought. If you love someone, or you care for someone, don't wait until there is something like this that comes up to show them.  Tell them now. Don't ignore them for years and then pop up out of the blue. If you want to be in their lives, show them. If they are in your lives because they have to be, wish them well, and say a prayer, but don't try and jump in like mighty mouse and save the day. It is not going to go over well. 

Blessings,

Lizzy