I had a biopsy done last Thursday and the doc told us we should have the results on Monday. I called twice today and they didn't have anything, then they called me at about 4:30pm to say the lab called them and told them they didn't have enough cells so they are going to want to do an ultrasound guided biopsy tomorrow. I am struggling with this. Not because I have to wait longer, but because everyone else does. This just prolongs my time out here in ca. (not that I don't love being back here, I just really really miss my husband and girls)
I feel like I am letting them down, and that just breaks my heart even more. I feel like I am letting Joshua down. He is so completely overwhelmed right now, I can't even imagine what he is dealing with. PLUS all of our stuff FINALLY got delivered to our house today, and I am not there. He has to deal with all of that on his own. He also has to keep up with things at work, oh yeah, and take care of our 3 amazing girls. I really feel like I am letting everyone in my family down. It is so hard to want to take care of your husband and children and not be able to. I know Joshua is doing an amazing job , because he is an amazing dad, and husband, I just don't want him to have to deal with the stress. I want to take the stress away from him so he can just focus on work. I know he is feeling like he is getting pulled in 50 different directions, yet, he is still standing strong! He amazes me!
Then there is all of my family out here. I have thrown my moms life into complete upheaval. I feel so bad. She is the one driving me to and from all of my different appointments, having to sit in the waiting room, and has had to rearrange her life because of me. I know that can't be easy. I am trying to make things as easy as I can. I have been offering to help, or step in whenever is needed, but I just don't feel like it is enough.
My family is here, and back in Indonesia, just waiting. Waiting on me . . . I thank them all for being willing to drop everything to do what was needed, but it still doesn't make me feel any less guilty. The last thing I want is for me to be a burden on anyone! I am the one that should be taking burdens off of other peoples shouldters. Thats what I do . . . . not the other way around!
Ok, it is midnight here, and I have a lot of not so fun tests to have done tomorrow, so I should go and get some sleep!
Please please please keep my family in your prayers.
4 comments:
Lizzy Deaton....the LAST thing you need to be feeling right now is that you are a burden to anyone...you need to let that guilt go and allow the people in your life to be there for you...focus on you!! Love ya!
Sometimes God uses our trials to teach a humility that was not there. It isn't easy to be the one in need and have others wait on you. I learned that first hand. But doing so, blesses those around you and offers an opportunity to give the goodness back; paying if forward if you will. I know the waiting is difficult, but imagine if Josh didn't have 50 million directions to be pulled, his waiting would be harder because he would be so focused on how you were that he would drive himself crazy. Being a burden is different from needing help. Allowing others to love you in need is a gift and just as difficult for some as doing is for others. In our circumstances, we need to find joy in the little things. God gave you an amazing husband and an amazing relationship. Josh will learn to lean on God just as you are learning to lean on God and together, you will teach your girls to lean on God in the difficult times. God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!
When you love people, they aren't a burden. Ever. We all love you. Your family loves you. None of us feel like you are a burden. I feel like you're learning the same lesson that the Lord used you to teach me many, many years ago. Don't apologize for anything. Just relax and be loved - unconditionally. I love you, and I would love you even more if your tests had to be done in Portland and I was shuttling you all over the place. ;^)
Oh Lizzy, speaking from a mothers perspective, it would not be a burden to shuttle my daughter around. There is no place I would rather be then right by her side, being a support. Would you consider running any one of your daughters to medical tests? I know you would drop anything and everything for them and so will your mom. Her heart is going to be with you regardless so why not with you. I was told once that God puts us in a place where others need to be taught to give of themselves and he uses us to do that. I love to give of myself but having to recieve help was always the hardest and most uncomfortable cuz I felt like a fish out of water. You are a very strong young lady, and all your friends and family love you very much and have Josh, your girls and your family all covered in prayers for the strength to do what needs to be done. This is the time to let God show you how much He loves you. Start a list of the things God is doing for you to help you focus. Lisa taught me this one a long time ago. I still have my list from then. I love you Lizzy and am constantly in prayer for all.
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