Has TWO YEARS really gone by?!?!?!?

I haven't written for a long time, but I think this is something worth writing about. March 2, 2014 will mark my 2yr "cancerversary" Two years ago, I was dealing with the most daunting task in my life . . . getting through cancer.

I have learned so much in these past two years about myself, both good and bad. I have never been one to rely on others. I have always wanted to do things for myself, to take care of myself, and not be in "need" of anyone.  I don't have that option anymore. I have to rely on others to help me, especially now.  To say I struggle with that on a daily basis is a gross understatement, but I'm trying.

I have learned that I have been inwardly judgmental of people and didn't even realize it, until I ended up doing the same thing and felt like I had been slapped in the face. How could I have been so stupid??? Oh, right . . . I'm human. I have to give others grace, even when I don't think they deserve it.

I have learned through this process who are the REAL family and friends in my life, and I have learned who are NOT! Even though it is hard, and some might not agree with it, I have decided to remove "those people" from my life. I try to be an encouragement to others that are brought into my life, and I want the people in my life to be the same . . .if they are not helping you grow, or understanding when you mess up, they do not need to be a part of your life!  (-side note: I know this sounds like a complete contradiction from the paragraph above, but I don't think so. Giving someone grace when they screw up, and letting someone treat you like you are "less than" are not the same.)

I have learned to TRY not to let others beat me down . . .  I do that enough myself.  Like I said before, if they are not a constructive part of your life, why are they still there?

My life is short, this, I know. I want to LIVE. I want to GROW. I want to THRIVE.  Right now, I might not be able to do all of those things, but at least I try.

I have also learned that even though these are my thoughts, and my writings, they do sometimes involve others and I have to be careful how I portray those situations.  I am never looking to hurt anyone, and yet, I know I have :(

Cancer changes people. It makes you do things you NEVER thought you would do, and it brings people into your life that you NEVER would have met otherwise. People that will end up being instrumental in your growth as a person.  Rely on those people to lift you up when you are down! LET THEM! Be there when you know they need a helping hand. Even the strongest people in this world have their breaking points . . .

Love! <3 p="">

Two years ago! 

 Friends . . . your chosen family

If newspapers can post retractions, so can blogs . . .

Last night I posted a blog about the fact that my husband and I are divorcing.

I let my emotions get the best of me last night. I posted something, that looking back now, seemed very one sided and I don't think that was very fair.  In the post, I was mostly talking about the last year and a half, but I left out the other 10. Looking back now, our marriage had lots of issues from the beginning, but I tried to ignore them.  I would push them out of my mind and just tell myself things like "this is normal marriage stuff" when in fact, it wasn't. We have been in trouble for years and I don't want to make it seem like my husband was all the problem. Believe me, I was a big part of it as well. Looking back, we just work much better as friends, than as a married couple. I have done and said things to hurt him just like he has done and said things to hurt me.

This is not all his doing. It takes two. I don't want to misrepresent anything. I was, and am, completely floored by the outpouring of love and acceptance I have received.  Thank you to everyone for that.  I know so many people will tell me, or have told me, that I am way too open about things, but that is just who I am. I have kept this in for so long, and couldn't anymore. This is such a very hard thing to go through, and I don't want anything to make this any harder than it is for all involved.

I use this blog to share things that happen in my life because I feel that there are many other people out there that do not have the "guts" to share what they are going through, and they suffer through it alone.
I know everyone has their feelings about all these issues, but this is a crappy situation, and we are both trying to make the best out of it. We don't hate one another, we just both know we are better apart. Thank you to everyone for your support . . . it means so much! :)

Life changes

So, since many of you have asked why I haven't been blogging lately, I thought it was time to explain.

In August of 2012, my husband of 11 years told me he wanted a divorce. I was floored! I had just gotten through one of the hardest times of my life, and was still very much recovering. He gave me every reason he had as to why it was what he wanted (which I will not get into here) and I gave him every reason not to! I didn't want it. I was going to fight for my marriage. We decided to go to counseling. It was ok . . .  but I am not sure how much it helped.  The next 6 months were pretty much crap.  I decided I was going to "let" him do whatever he wanted, because that was the only way I was going to stay married . . . well, that burnt out pretty fast.  We were going through the motions of being married, but I knew the love was not there on his side. In August of the following year, I found out some things that, in my heart, sealed the deal that this marriage was over.  I am sad to say that I finally gave up. After a year of fighting with it, I knew it was done. The man I was married to now was not even close to the man I had married. Even his core values were different. We decided it was over. For months I have been living with the guilt of knowing this is a choice that I have now made to get a divorce. I have it drilled into my head that divorce is not ok and I should never give into it, but that is not true. As much as I hate divorce, and hate what it is going to do to my children, I truly believe this is what needs to be.  I have a job to do; to raise my daughters to be strong independent women and to know that they can handle anything that is thrown at them in life.  Is this where I thought I would be at 32 years old? Oh hell no . . . but this is where I am, and this is the life that I am going to make the best of.  I have been through and fought MANY different challenges in my life and each one of them has made me a stronger mother and woman. This is no different.

So what . . .

I let my 11 yr old daughter highlight her hair!!! WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL . . .  WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH TO YOU?!?!?!?!

I find it completely insane that there are people who are willing to go out of their way to tell me I shouldn't let my daughter dye her hair. Why does it matter to you. IT'S JUST HAIR!!!

At least I have been raising my kids to have manners. To say please and thank you, to look people in the eye when they are talking to them, and to answer with yes ma'am and yes sir. I think that is MUCH more important than what color their hair is . . .

Ok, that's all . . . rant done! :)

Me ?? Inspiring ?? Really ??

I was talking to my niece a couple of days ago about the fact that she had started writing a blog. I was so excited!! :) I love writing and thought it was really cool that she was writing as well. I was so very impressed with the blog she had written! It was short, sweet, and to the point and really made me want to be there with her. She had written about a water balloon fight that her and my other nieces had while at my moms house :)

When I told her how proud I was of her, and how good I thought her writing was, she told me I was the one who had inspired her to start the blog. How cool is that!!!!!!! It warmed my heart so much :)

 I don't get to spend very much time with my nieces because I live on the other side of the world (and even when I was on the same side of the world I was on the other side of the country), but I want so much to be a part of their lives. I want to be able to encourage them, to teach them, to be there for them, and to learn from them. I very much believe that I can learn a lot from the younger generation. I want to teach them things that I have learned in my life. Tell them about the mistakes I have made, and how I was able to learn from them and how that made me grow as a person. I want to be that cool aunt who will take them shopping, and embarrass  them while we are out (because they also need to know that it is ok to be silly). I also want to make sure I am the kind of aunt that will call them out if they are doing, saying, or acting in a way that I think is not ok. I just want to be there.

All that to say, I love being an aunt and I think it is really cool when one of my nieces tells me I was part of a reason why they choose to do something! :)

One more milestone down . . .

Lat week I had another trip to Singapore. I have to do this trip every 3 months for the next year. Going for these trips is very stressful. I like to think of it as a bit of shell shock.  Even though I might be feeling fine, I know in the back of my mind there is always a chance they are going to tell me the cancer has come back. That is something I never ever ever want to hear again, yet every three months I have to go back to the oncologist and worry that's what I am going to hear. 

Thankfully my trip to Singapore went well. I got a good report from the Dr!! NO CANCER! Yahoo!!!!! We talked about why I chose not to do chemo, and the pros and cons of the tamoxifin (sp) I am taking. We talked about the fact that even though I "only" had 4 lymph nodes removed (when it is very common to have 15 or more taken) that I still have to deal with the swelling on my left side. I tried to kid myself into thinking that since it was only 4, the swelling wouldn't be a big deal for me, but it is, sadly. I have to buy a compression sleeve for my arm and wear it when I fly any longer that 3 hours. 

The dr also told me I was very unique (this I already knew) She was so surprised about the aggression of the cancer that I had, the age that I was, the TYPE of cancer it was, and the insane amount of cancer history I have in my family (even though I had the genetic testing done and I have 0 genetic markers for my cancer being hereditary) All that to say, she was so impressed at how well I had pulled through, and how quickly I had recovered!

YEA ME! :)

1 1/2 YEARS DOWN!!!!! Looking forward to my next check-up in Nov so I can hear the same news over again!!! :)

There was a Starbucks on the main floor of the hospital I was at. Here is what I did to celebrate after my appointment! :)

Jakarta, it was HARD to come back to you!

Going from the United States to a 3rd world country was a pretty big change, but I welcomed it. I wanted to get out of the (what I felt at the time) bubble that was the US.  I wanted to see the world, to see different cultures and religions and just see how people live.

I was completely overwhelmed when we first got to Jakarta. I was overwhelmed but I loved it! I loved the change, it was a welcomed one. The people were friendly and always had a smile on their face. Everything was different, everything seemed exciting. There were times when I would get extremely upset and frustrated with Jakarta but I would keep reminding myself that this was something I wanted to experience and I needed to see it through.

Since we have been back from Thailand, I have REALLY been struggling with Jakarta. I am stuck in a funk . . .  a Jakarta funk . . .  and those are hard to pull out of.

There are things that I miss like there is no jumping in the car and running to Target for some much needed toilet paper and ice cream (you always seem to need those right around the same time :)  Here in Jakarta, at least for us since we don't own a car, we have to walk to the grocery store or get a taxi.
Here is the walk I take if I want to "run to the store" to get something . . .

First things first . . .  you have to step over the TONS of random holes in the "sidewalks"

Then you have the random car that will just make a sharp right turn into oncoming traffic.

Oh and don't forget the motorcycles that decided they didn't want to sit in the traffic so they just jump up on the sidewalk and wiz right on by you.

Then there is the sidewalk that just ends . . . 

Now comes the good part . . .  getting across this road. I was not able to catch the FULL effect of what actually goes down here, but I tried. 

Normally, this picture down here would be PACKED full of cars and motorcycles, so much so that you would not be able to see the other side of the street.

Then the beautiful sidewalk on the way home.

I have to keep reminding myself of the good . . . 

The girls are going to an amazing school and getting to live one of the best experiences of their lives. We are able to travel more and see the world. I have a job that I love, and we have met some amazing people along the way . . . . 

Welcome back, Jakarta!

I am shocked

At how far my blog has gotten . . .  I am shocked to see how many people seem to care, even just the slightest bit what I have to say. My life sure hasn't been boring, that is for sure . . .  but I must say it does my heart good to see that people care.


These are the latest stats from this week . . .

Pageviews by Countries Entry Pageviews United States 133 Indonesia 15 Netherlands 13 United Kingdom 7 Hong Kong 6 Canada 3 Thailand 3

What is the difference?

I was just wondering what you guys thought . . .

What is the difference between loving someone or being in love with someone?

Basically, what I have found is you can love someone, you can be in love with someone, or you can be both . . .  what do you think? I would love to hear the answers . . . I know there are many many different thoughts on the subject . . . .

TIGER KINGDOM~Chiang Mai, Thailand

This was an amazing adventure!

I found this place on line while researching things to do while we were on our trip to Thailand.  I was so very very impressed with how well they treated their tigers I couldn't wait to see it for myself.  Check out some of the amazing pictures . . .

Been wanting to write so badly . . . .

But it is so hard to find the time!

We just got back from an amazing trip to Northern Thailand. So many of my dreams came true on this trip . . .  and it wasn't even for me. Let me explain.

My husband, Joshua used to live in Northern Thailand (Chiang Mai to be exact) and I decided that I wanted to surprise him with a trip there this summer. He made some amazing friendships there and I thought it would be good for him to get out of the everyday routine of life and reconnect with some old friends.

All that to say, I started looking for tickets and reconnecting with his friends through facebook (I love facebook!). Within about a month, and with a lot of help from his friends, I had the plane tickets booked, hotel booked, and he knew nothing about it!

I was going to wait until the night before to tell him about the trip, but sadly I had to tell him early because of the visas we had to get.  Regardless, he was surprised!

We left on the 16th of July and just got back on the 25th of July! We had such an amazing trip!

These are just a few of the things that we did . . .

Tiger Kingdom

The Long Neck Karen Tribe

Riding the elephants

Zip Lining

and visiting one of the facilities of the non profit foundation HANDS that Joshua's friends work with. I was so very impressed with the amazing work they do for the people of Northern Thailand.

So please . . .  keep checking back for some amazing pictures and stories from my trip to Thailand! :)

Harlem Shake . . . American Club Jakarta Style

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-8ebrOAXYw&feature=youtu.be

The things I see in Jakarta!!!

   Today, on the way home from work, I saw something that would have normally shocked me but since living in Jakarta, it seems to be something almost normal.

    This is not the exact family that I saw, but it is pretty darn close. The only difference in what I saw today was that the mother was riding side saddle while holding a very small baby  and the only person that had a helmet on was that dad. I really wish I would have been able to catch a picture of my own.  I know you always do what you have to do for your children and your family but I would be so very scared to have that many people / children on a bike and no one have any helmets. 

    I see people crashing (well bumping really . . .  that can't go fast enough to crash) into one another on a daily basis, and thank GOD I have not seen one of those bikes crash with a family on it!

Oh Jakarta . . . 

Remember

Always try and do something for others.

 Let them know you are thinking about them. 

Send that e-mail!

 Send that text!

 Write a letter! 

People always need to know they are loved and cared for. 

You never know what kind of day someone is having on the inside and your smile, kind word, or gesture might be the only nice thing that happens to them that day!

Should I continue???

I have had that question running through my mind for months now.  When I found out I had cancer, I opted for a double mastectomy. After the surgery I was told they got it all and it had not spread into the lymph nodes. The dr's still wanted me to do chemo, but I decided against it. My thought was . . .  they have told me they got everything out and there MIGHT be a SLIM POSSIBLE chance that there could be one rough cell floating around somewhere in my body. It seemed like too much to put my body through for such a small slim chance.

All that to say, I did not do chemo, instead I am taking a med for 5 years that is suppose to help block the hormones that they think caused the cancer. It's a hormone blocker . . .  I am now trying to decide if this is something I really want to take for 5-10 years or not. It is messing with my body. Sure, not the same as cancer did, or as chemo would but it is none the less. Hot flashes constantly, not sleeping, weight gain, moods that are crazy, and just the overall feeling of blah.

I just don't know. This is the only thing I am doing to "keep the cancer at bay" but it still does not mean it wont come back. However, if I stop taking it, and the cancer does come back, will that thought of "if i had only kept taking the meds" creep back into my head.

My mind is spinning and I don't know if I will ever get to a final decision about it.  Anyone out there been through this?

Had to have a little "Come to Jesus" talk with the girls tonight . . .

I am so very very sick of listening to them fight, call each other names, yell, scream, and just plain treat one another badly.

I am also sick of them slacking off and not doing what they are suppose to do. I mean I know they are kids, and they won't listen, but there are some things I expect from them that they are just not giving me.

Before I went back to work, I sat down with the girls (weeks and weeks before) and told them what the plan was going to be. They would get home from school around 2:20pm. They were to go home, wash hands, eat snack, and get their homework out. They were not allowed to go play (or have others play) until 3:30. One hour, one hour is all I asked of them. Get your stuff done. Clean the cat box, do your piano, then at 3:30 (only 1 hr) you would be done and you can go play.

While I was home, this worked out fine. The first few weeks that I went to work, it was going pretty well . . .  but now . . .  not so much.

I was so sick of coming home at 5-530 and asking the kids if they did their homework only to hear "oh YEAH . . .  I forgot about it" UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH

To ask them if they have any homework on the weekend only on tuesday to get an email from their teacher saying they haven't turned in this much needed assignment  . .. .

I know this is normal in almost every house that has kids, but I really don't think I am asking too much.

I had to talk to them all on the couch and explain the rolls of big, middle, little, sisters and where they fall into that.
I went on for about an hour saying things like "this is not the way i raised you" "Put others first. Someone else is always having a worse thing happen to them. Do what you can to help them! If that is a meal, a coffee out once a week, whatever they need  . . . it's not always about you . . .

I think I talked myself into a circle, and not sure if it helped one little bit :(

ASHAMED

Today, I realized that I am very ashamed in myself. I have always been proud to be someone that has at least remotely taken care of herself. I love to be active, be outside, and take care of myself, but I have put that aside. I have fallen into a slump and just yesterday FINALLY decided to do something about it.

I also like that I can be very honest on my blog and I don't feel like I am judged too much; at least if I am most people keep it to themselves.

In the last 6 months, I have done nothing active to benefit my own body. I have NO EXCUSE for that. I have a pool that is just about in my back yard, and a gym that I can go to every day.
I feel like have become a hypocrite. and that makes me ashamed .  I try to teach my children about exercise and being healthy and eating right and here I was not exercising myself.

I have gained about 8-10lbs in the last 6-8 months. It breaks my heart and yesterday I finally decided to get out of my rut and get back to who I really am. I went to the gym here yesterday after work and got on the treadmill. I need to build my endurance back up, so it was only 30 min . . . but that is much better than what I had been doing.  Today I swam with the girls. After a few times across the pool, my chest started to pull. Those muscles are not used to being used that much, and are still healing, so I decided that I would use a kick board and just use my legs.  It was a great workout.

I hope I am able to keep this up, I really do because I do not like what I see in the mirror right now. I do not like the example that I have been setting for my girls. I want them to see me caring about my body and not just telling them to take care of theirs.

HERE'S TO A NEW CHAPTER IN MY STORY . . . Let's see how it goes! :)

Full trip to Paris!

It sure has been a while since I last posted! I have been wanting to write for a while, but it is hard to find time to just sit down in quiet and do that~

We have been back from Europe for a week now . . . and I still don't have everything unpacked! All the clothes are washed and put away but A LOT of the trinkets and gifts are still packed!  We got back on a Saturday and then were back to work on Monday.

I am working on getting the pictures put together so I can post them . . . but from two different cameras and an iPad, it's a little more work.  I will share a few sneak peaks today though just so you can see the beginnings of the adventures we went on.

This trip was a complete dream come true for me. I can not believe how blessed I am to have been able to go to such amazing places and see such history first hand!

In Paris we got to see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Arc de Triumph, the Catacombs, and Notre Dame

The Eiffel Tower at night!

The front of the Louvre!

The Mona Lisa!

Notre Dame!

And the Catacombs . . .

Our first day in PARIS!

I still can't believe that we are here! Paris! WOW!

We got in about 6am on Sunday morning. I had a plan to get to the apartment we were staying at, unload everything and then go to the market that is a block away and stock up on food for the next few days. However, that didn't happen. It was early Sunday morning in Paris  . . . nothing was open! I didn't even think about that!

Well with us Deatons, plans always change . . . we changed into some warmer clothes and headed off to explore! I knew we were close to the Eiffel tower, so off we walked. It took us about ten minutes to get there. We turned the corner, and BAM! there it was!

I could not believe we were standing there, looking at the Eiffel Tower! The girls were squealing and I was just standing there with my mouth open in disbelief .

The weather in Paris is quite cold right now but we toughed it out! We walked across the River Seine and hiked up the insane amounts of stairs to get to the "2nd floor" of the tower. The view was insane! :)

We did a bit of shopping while we were up there and got some gifts for some family that had said they wanted something from Paris.

From there, we made the trek back down to the ground. The sun started coming out at that point and it sure felt wonderful! :)

After that amazing adventure, we started our walk back home.

Our first day in Paris was amazing! Today, I believe we are planning on going to the Louvre and I am not sure what else!!! Keep checking in and I will keep updating!!!!! :) WOOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!