Which way do I go? Which way do I go?

So, I have been thinking since I have been back about what I am going to do. Before all this craziness happened, I was planning on getting a job at the embassy this coming fall. However I have been thinking that maybe I should be doing something else. Maybe I should be doing sometime to support breast cancer research.  I am going to an event on May 3rd here in Jakarta that is supporting breast cancer awareness and I just keep thinking, is that something I should be doing?
I have been looking over the site Pink Ribbon International and I am pretty sure that is who is hosting the event that I am going to.

I keep trying to get back t normal here in Indonesia, but I think I have finally accepted that there is a new normal for me.  It is not really a huge difference, but is is different.

So, even though this all seems like a jumbled mess, I am processing . . .  and wondering . . .  which way do I go?

Adjusting back to Jakarta!

I have been back in Jakarta for two weeks now. I think I am finally over the jetlag! :) I love love love being back in Indonesia, but miss my family in California a lot!
I know it has been a while since I posted anything, but I am just trying to take everything in here, and get back into the swing of things.

Easter was wonderful ! We had a party for the kids at the club and then did an egg hunt at a friends house. We had a blast~

I am feeling good. Working on my range of motion in my arms every day. My right arm is great, my left arm still has some work to be done with it.

I am a blessed woman, and I am strong! I have fought this cancer and won, but it will forever be a part of me!

Starting the meds . . . a 5+ year journey

So I started taking my cancer meds last night. It seems weird that this is a med that I will be taking for the next 5+ years. It will just become a part of my daily life.
The pill is called Tamoxifen.  It scares me a little to think I have started on this path, but I also feel so blessed that this is the only medicine I am having to take and not the chemo.

I am trying to find a new sense of balance in my life. Trying to adjust to being back in Indonesia and not being able to do all of the things that I loved to do when I was here last time. I know I will be able to do those things again, but waiting is the hard part!

I'm backkkk . . . .

I know it has been a long time since my last post and boy has a lot happened.
Let me fill you in from where I left off . . .

Joshua flew out to California on the 28th of March. He came out so he could come with me to my oncology appointment the following day.  It was so wonderful to have him by my side, finally.
During the meeting with the oncologist we learned what the numbers were in regards to the cancer coming back.  We talked about doing chemo and what advantages and disadvantages it would have on my body.
Both Joshua and I felt like chemo was just too much. It didn't seem to have anymore advantages than it did disadvantages.  Once that was decided we asked how soon I would be able to come back to Jakarta. The doc told us that as long as I didn't have any concerns, I could come back as soon as I wanted. Well that was enough for me, and Joshua immediately contacted his office here in Jakarta to figure out how to get me back.  Long story short, I ended up flying home with Joshua on Sunday! We didn't tell anyone here that I was coming home, so it was a big surprise for everyone :)

It has been a tough road these last couple of months . . . ones that I don't care to relive, but also ones that I wouldn't change for the world.
I have learned so much about myself through all of this. Having cancer really does change a person. It changes what you see as important in your life and what is just "fluff"

A day full of thoughts

Today, I woke up feeling good . . . feeling different.  Feeling happy. Feeling at peace, and what an amazing feeling that is.

I feel like a switch has gone off in my head. A switch that I have known has been there, but didn't want to acknowledge. I have decided that I am a Vegetarian. I feel very comfortable about this decision and I feel very good about it.  I don't feel like it was forced upon me, or that I am doing it to be a part of a crowd. I have decided that for me, because it feels like the right thing for me. It feels good!
I have had a lot of "stomach" issues throughout my life, I thought I had tried everything to get my stomach to calm down, but I haven't eaten meat in a week, and I have felt better today than I have in MONTHS! My stomach isn't yelling at me, and I don't feel like I have a basketball under my shirt anymore. (My abdomen always seemed to be a little swollen and it was always painful. I just learned to live with it) Don't feel much like that now. It really is awesome. I know this is not for everyone, but it sure does feel like it is for me, at least for this time in my life.

Getting to know the new ME!

You know, I thought for a long time that this awful disease called cancer was not going to change who I was, and I wasn't going to let it! I now realize it HAS changed me . . . in a good way.  I mean, I have been very lucky with this whole cancer thing . . . SO FAR! I hope it stays that way. I just feel like things could always be worse and it is a cop out for me to say I am a cancer survivor because I don't really feel like one. I don't think I have let myself realize how serious this all has been, and maybe that is a good thing.  How serious this IS . . .  that is what I should say. I am not done fighting yet.

The funny thing is . . . I FEEL PEACE! So much peace it is overwhelming. I know that a lot of the calm that I am feeling is from people all over the world (and I mean that when I say all over the world) are praying for me. I can feel it.  I feel like I am going to get through this with flying colors and live a very strong, active, adventurous life.  I can't really explain it. Not that I don't think anything else bad could happen, but I feel like I have already gone through the worst of all of this. I feel peace that I am going to be able to make sure this cancer does not come back, and if it does, I will fight it off again. I will not let it ruin my life, and the lives of my husband and children! I WILL NOT!!!!!!!
I am a survivor and will forever more be a survivor! I have fought breast cancer and kicked it's ass! I will continue to do so, because I know NO OTHER WAY!

It is funny, for years and years, I have been told how strong I am. I never really believed anyone when they said that. I had just convinced myself that I was putting on a really good show for everyone and I was really super weak inside. I am now not to proud to say, I AM STRONG! It feels really good to admit that to myself.  I have never been good at accepting complements , or saying anything positive about myself. I have always felt like that made me look conceded and full of myself. Twisted, I know.
Now I know different. I think the only reason why it makes sense to me to admit to myself that I am a very strong woman is so I know I am strong enough to help someone else that might be going through the same thing as I am.

My husband, Joshua has really learned a lot this past year about yoga, meditation, and eating things that are very healthy for you. I didn't really "jump on the train" with him because I didn't feel like I was to that point within myself yet.  I now try and do yoga (what I can) every day, I meditate , and I have made the choice on my own to not eat meat. Not because I want to follow the crowd or do what other people are doing, but because all of those things make me better! They make me feel better! They make me think better! They make me HEAL. I think that is a lot of the peace that I am feeling about all of the cancer crap. I feel like my mind has made a switch and it feels right.  (but I still love my chocolate) :)
I like feeling comfortable in what I have decided. It feels good to have done it because I wanted to :)

It amazed me that so many people are wanting to read my thoughts. I never thought I would have people all over the world that cared for me.  I just hope that me opening up, helps someone else through their journey and they know they are never alone in this world!!!!
 Blessings!

OVERWHELMED!

I am feeling very overwhelmed tonight by the love and thoughtfulness of people.

I love people! I love being with people. I love making people smile. I love helping people! I love so much to let people know how very special each and every one of them is to me.

I was looking through some of my recent pictures on Facebook and came across this one...

I just can not even begin to express how much this one picture melts my heart! I am not one to cry very much, but just looking at this picture brings tears to my eyes. I can not believe people love ME enough to  plan on the day of my surgery to all wear pink in support of ME! I mean that just really blows my mind.  I just can't believe I have affected peoples lives so much, and it just makes me so beyond happy. I sit here tying to imagine that and have tears streaming down my face. They are not tears of sadness, or anger, or even self pity, they are tears of complete JOY.

I know, if I were to die tomorrow, I would have done exactly what I've wanted to do with my life . . .  BLESS OTHER PEOPLE!!!!

For those of you who don't know who these people are . . . This is my Bonnie Brae Elementary School family in Virginia. Abby, Emma, and Aubrianna all went to this school. These are the teachers, staff and students of Bonnie Brae. I have spent the last 4 years of my life with these women. Each and every one of them has blessed my life far beyond they could ever see. I wish I could write about the amazing relationship I have with each one of these women, but it would take months!!!!!!

I am feeling overwhelmed, I guess, because I am feeling the same kind of blessings poured onto me as I try to pour onto others. I just fills my heart with SO MUCH JOY to think that I have even made ONE PERSON feel as loved, blessed or encouraged as I am feeling right now. 

To all of the people that have reached out to me, who have gone out of their comfort zone, who have rearranged their lives, who have been there for me, who have loved me through one of the biggest trails of my entire life

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I wish so much that I could in some way return this amazing gift of love and encouragement that you all have given to me. 

To my family in California ~ Thank you!

To my family in Virginia ~ Thank you!
To my family in Tennessee ~ Thank you!

To my family in Jakarta, Indonesia ~ Thank you!

To all of my other family and friends (new and old) that have been so amazing to me, THANK YOU!

Please, please forward this on to anyone that you think would like to read it! I would love everyone that has touched my life to know how eternally grateful I am for them!

Thank you to everyones encouraging words! They melt my heart! Thank you for reminding me why I love people so much!! THANK YOU!!!!!